let my lifesong sing to you

2010-10-23T00:56:00.001+08:00

shifted to boxofalabaster.wordpress.com

2010-09-11T02:51:00.001+08:00

i'm feeling a little down tonight.

and every time i ask
you assure your doing fine
but your heart looks good by smiling
you couldnt fool mine
and by the end of the night your pillow sits to dry
in a crowded room your singing
but on the inside you sigh

and i'll still love you
beyond what words can say
ill take your every suffering moment
and bring a better day

2010-09-11T00:30:00.002+08:00

maybe i'm being selfish.
but i've gotten so used to getting what i want, that i don't see why people can't accommodate me all the time.
i often simplify what problems others may have, and just zoom in on what i want.
i guess i shouldn't be disregarding what others truly think or worry about, because we come from different backgrounds after all, and face different problems in life.
who am i to think i know it all?
at such times, i am a lousy friend, mean sister and horrible daughter.

but it really sucks to not get your way :(

on a side note, maybe i'm looking for l.
hopefully the right one comes along, and i don't pass it by.

2010-08-28T11:39:00.002+08:00

many a times, we think about how we can do something better than others, or how we are superior in a certain area to others,
but human pride is something that can cause us to crumble and fall.

but most of the time, what we see in others or even ourselves, in actual fact, is through the perspective of a tainted glass. we see what we choose to see.
we can never second-guess God, his thoughts or his plans.
and besides, who are we to judge?
are we even better off ourselves?

it is at such moments of reflection, i grow very ashamed of myself. sometimes to the point, whereby i live in my own delusional world. because i don't want to look into the mirror and see my ugly self.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
- Psalm 51:10-12

2010-08-26T15:22:00.000+08:00

laziness kills me.

2010-08-21T23:20:00.003+08:00

there are so many things i want to keep close to me always.
my friends and the memories i've had.
they really add a splash of colours to my otherwise mundane life.

but these things, they are going to fade away some day, won't they?
friends leave, and memories dissolve into nothingness.
and i'll eventually depart this world.
it's going to be sad, because i've had so much fun times here.

however, i know heaven's going to be more awesome than anything and everything i've ever known. and there, i'll finally reunite with my dearest heavenly Father.
TO HAPPIER TIMES, CHEERS :D
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Rev 21:4

2010-08-17T13:18:00.002+08:00

Romans 12: 17-21
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

When life is hard and i'm troubled, i run to You.

2010-08-16T23:18:00.002+08:00

summer's over, and school started today at 830 in the morning :S

i realize that i have a fear of school, and anything academic-related.
i do love reading my law books and listening to lectures, because they are honestly really interesting. but the whole idea of class participation makes me keep on my toes throughout the 3hour lecture. and i find that very nerve-wracking.
if only i had the ability to speak well.

but school ended on a really happy note, with dimsum with my classmates.
it felt like we were back to the old times.
personally, i really treasure friends, sometimes to the point that i prioritise them over my family (which shouldn't be the case i know). but they are really the color of my life.
maybe it's not that i choose to not socialise, but i simply dislike the idea of frolicking (haha) with people who i'm not close to, and hence both parties treat each other with a kind of mutual superficiality, which is really repulsive.

there's so much i fear when it comes to school. results professors classmates judgments workload. it makes me wonder what am i doing here, whether i'm in the wrong place.
but what really comforts me, is that God is always next to me. (i can almost feel his reassuring grip on my shoulder sometimes)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6

2010-08-11T01:11:00.003+08:00

i hate the feeling of knowing that your future is ruined no matter how hard you try.
i hate losing, or failing.

but what else can i do, other than putting my trust entirely on God.

2010-08-10T02:04:00.003+08:00

i am extremely annoyed with myself. seriously.

i learnt that to succeed in life,
1. you cannot trust people to settle things for you
2. you have to work very hard, with everything you have, and not rely on others or luck
3. you need to think ahead

i think i screwed up the the order in which i am supposed to take my modules in university, just because i did not think far enough. sometimes, having a companion making the same decisions with you, does not mean that you will be fine. especially when that companion relies on you to do all the research and make all the decisions, and thinks much less than you. omg kill me now.

i need to brace up, and be ready for school. NOW.

2010-08-05T11:41:00.002+08:00

i woke up with a start, and my heart was hurting so badly,
because i dreamt i was back in cambodia.

just maybe, cambodia has always been at the back of my mind all the while,
no matter how hard i tried to push it away from my thoughts.
i really don't want to think about it because it is so painful just seeing those images of my cambodian kids flash before my very eyes.
i miss them i miss them i really do.
every single one of them, their smiles, laughter and them cycling on their too-huge bicycle schasing behind the dusts of our van.

i dreamt i was back in siem reap with my mother, and i wanted to bring her back to the motel i once stayed in.
i was so sure i knew the way, but i kept getting lost, and kept ending up in some unfamiliar place.
i kept retracking back to the original spot i was in, but after my few tries, i even lost sight of where i started from.
i think i have tried to keep all these fond memories in a jar, which i have refrained from touching all this while, in fear of startling it and letting any single memory escape or spill.
but i have failed. because these memories are ebbing away from the corners of my mind. despite my strong resolution to keep them and make them stay.
maybe i am really too terrified to admit that one day, the children will all forget me and i myself will lose them, forever too.

later, i hailed a tuktuk to bring me back to the motel.
we passed by the streets of siem reap, with its bustling night markets,
and i was telling my mum how i needed to bring her to shop, and how i wanted to go to visit the schools on my own the next day.
but then i woke up, and once again, cambodia left me.

2010-08-01T11:44:00.002+08:00

everything in this world is transient,
it's either you are the one who changes, or the one left standing in the same spot while people move on without you.

maybe i would be better off investing my life into my God who's eternal.

2010-07-29T22:10:00.000+08:00

Nowadays, I'm either rotting around at home watching dramas or going out with my friends. I'm enjoying life so much this summer, I'm going to be so upset when school starts :(
But God, I would like to think you've mapped up a great semester for me, so I shall be excited for it too! I am going to try to work harder this time round (:

2010-07-28T02:14:00.003+08:00

"Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen."
- Practical Magic

sometimes, i wonder about what is love, and its existence.
20 years, and i haven't met love.
isit me, or isit that i've not met the One.

as i see the people around me get into relationships, and maybe break them too,
i wonder about what's going in their heads, and their hearts.
i don't understand.

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

2010-07-25T21:15:00.002+08:00

there seems to be a tug of war inside of my heart.

part of me misses cambodia so badly,
but the other part of me is trying so hard to suppress feelings towards cambodia
(of fear that i may lose any sense of stability if i allow myself to think of cambodia).

my heart is with cambodia, even though my physical body has left.
i think i miss the kids most, the lifestyle there's so carefree and fun.
but then i think if i were to go back there alone, without my friends,
would it be the same, would i be fine, would i still love that place.

i need to go back there again.

2010-07-23T00:16:00.002+08:00

i don't like the feeling of being left out.
and i am feeling it more and more as the days go by.
sometimes, i wonder if i was the one who gave up and decided to be reclusive.

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

2010-07-22T12:22:00.003+08:00

there are days i feel lousy.
and the past year has just been a continuous downhill.
tumbled, and bruised all over.
a couple of reminders here and there, and i sink back into despair.

but that's just life, right.
i contemplate about how Job puts it, "...God has given and God has taken away. Praise the Lord."
maybe i'm a failure in this world.
but in God's eyes, i'm his beloved daughter, always.

maybe in school i've failed. maybe among friends, i'm just not cool enough. maybe regarding accomplishments, i never had enough to my name.
but to God, i know i've grown spiritually and closer to Him.
and for that, i rejoice.
that's what life should be about, ain't it?
i'm running for the eternal race,
no longer with men, for a world that will not last.

2010-07-21T09:16:00.002+08:00

i'm afraid, much fearful, of losing my memories.
maybe i just get attached to people, things and memories easily,
i can't bear to lose them.

got back from cambodia after spending 2 whole weeks there.
you won't believe it, but i had such a whale of a time there,
i didn't want to come home, at all.
i wanted to keep at building houses, building bulletin boards, wrapping plastic
playing soccer with the construction workers,
and most importantly, play with the kids, hug the kids, teach the kids, and LOVE the kids.
this is one place one time which really hit home in my heart.
i felt so much love overpouring out of me, i didn't know what to do.

maybe people don't understand why i keep taking photos,
especially with the kids.
that's only because i treasure these memories so much,
i don't want to give them up, ever,
i don't want to lose the kids.
but when i wake up in the morning on my overly-soft bed, in my overly-cooling room,
i get a sick feeling (almost like a hangover),
because i miss cambodia and the kids like how
man needs air, kids love sweets, adults desires money.
why am i back in boring singapore, with so much blessings i don't deserve,
when all i really want is to be back in cambodia,
just playing catching, jumprope, or games with the kids.
what sucks the most, is reality. i'll never get to see these same people again. and in that minuscule of a chance that i would, they will never remember me. :(

but you know. life goes on.
and we get easily pushed on by the tides, we move on.
in my heart, i really don't want to.
i always want to feel like the days in cambodia. not the raw aftertaste.

i miss cambodia till my heart aches.

2010-05-30T23:21:00.002+08:00

there are days i wonder what am i doing here.
there are days i wonder whether i'm doing right or enough.
but there's no way to really know, is there?
maybe i should ask myself whether i'm doing my best for my God.

i think we're often swept off our feet by things that happen in our life,
that come unexpected, without warning.
but i think no matter what, He watches over me, over us.

if there are things in our life we're feeling despondent about right now;
think about it, if He can do the impossible (like walking on water),
why can't he perform the 'impossibles' in our life.
maybe it's not about doing what we want, but what He has in mind for us.

maybe we should really take a step back, and watch his plan unfold.
maybe then, we will really understand.

2010-05-23T02:34:00.002+08:00

there is so much anger and hate within me.

how do i shepherd others if i can't solve the conflicts within myself?

2010-05-10T01:10:00.002+08:00

与你有约, 是永恒的约,
彩虹为证, 千古不变

when God promises us something, it is for all eternity, and it will never change.
when all else around you seems to fall apart, just know that God is forever faithful.

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible...I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." - 1 Corinthians 9:19-23

i think i'm a chameleon some days.
many a times, i behave and speak differently in school and in church, or other places.
i put aside all forms of intellectual talk or stature in order to be close to my church mates, it is a place i don't have to put up all sorts of pretenses to please others.
yeah, i agree that we have to be different people to win the world's non-believers, because regardless of our worldly status, aren't we all essentially the same? and our purpose in life is to bring salvation to the world.
indeed, we have to be flexible in order to reach out to as many people as possible with the gospel of Christ.

2010-05-08T01:19:00.000+08:00

today, my heart dropped.
i have no idea why.

2010-05-05T13:32:00.002+08:00

Lord, do you see me?
do you hear my cry, do you feel my pain?
are you by my side?

i know your hands hold the universe,
but is there space for me?

am i on the right path?
why am i falling, why am i failing?

you say, the time will come where you will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more crying or pain,
you say, it is better to lay up treasures in heaven than on earth,
you say, you will bring me through.
but Lord, there is a deep ache in my heart, my tears cannot stop falling.

how can i live and not be good at what i do?
but i ask myself, do i want to be good for myself, or is it for You?
is the standard of good judged according to the world, or by You?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

你是佛明白我的心?

2010-05-02T00:49:00.001+08:00

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
- Deuteronomy 31:6

He is no fool who gives that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.

2010-05-01T10:02:00.001+08:00

i'm dead.
how do i move on?

2010-05-01T01:54:00.000+08:00

my heart is feeling blue today,
the bluest of blues.
i can't move on, i want to sleep all day, and forget the world exists.

i think i never felt so upset about my results before.
i have never seen a B in my 12 years of studies before,
and now in university Bs colour my life. my heart breaks.
and now that i'm awake, life is a blur, almost in slow-motion,
i don't know what i'm doing, what's happening.
(and i don't have the courage to look at my results)

God, be with me.
give me strength.
i don't know what's ahead. but i need you by my side.
i know i haven't been good, but please bless and watch over me.
mend the cracks in my heart.

Psalm 116:
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when i was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

How can I repay the Lord
for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord -
in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord.

Lord, save me.
I have nothing left, no one else, but you.

Walking,stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that i've never seen
I am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

2010-04-13T17:43:00.002+08:00

my paper yesterday didn't go too well,
missed out a few issues here and there, didn't have time to expound on some of the issues,
and my essay question makes me cringe :(

i saw a verse today,
"I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all"
- Ecclesiastes 9:11

it's not always the 'best' (as judged by the world) who always wins,
but God is the one who determines it all.

2010-04-11T17:25:00.002+08:00

i've a 40% exam tomorrow which i spent my whole last week on,
a 25% exam on thursday, and a 40% exam on saturday, both which i have not touched O.o

but i spent 4 hours in church today, while my schoolmates are probably mugging like mad at home.
okay, 4 hours isn't much.
but it means quite alot to me because i've been horribly slow in my studying, and i've a ton of things unstudied so far.
and 1.5 out of the 4 is spent playing captain's ball with my cellies.
perhaps i shouldn't be out having fun, but i thought it was important for me to spend time with them.
if i'm their 'shepherd', surely i need to be there.
i just wished i had more patience and love somedays :/

whenever i'm having a hard choice deciding between school/fun and church,
Matthew 10:39 encourages me alot,
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

we often lose sight of our purpose in life, it is to glorify God's name and spread His word,
and not chasing after meaningless and transient 'prizes' in life.
so maybe i'm better off spending some time, having some fun, in church,
then staying home studying.
studying is the second priority of my life, and i need to use what God gave me to glorify his name, i'm going to places where people may not be able to go, so that I can spread His gospel.

and at the end of the day, i know He will see me through.
Lord, let me know well for all the finals this time, i need them to pull my dismal grades up, and i'm going to really work harder next semester onwards. promiseeeee.

2010-04-10T17:38:00.002+08:00

i love God,
(but i detest myself.)

i feel so hopeful for my holidays :D

2010-04-10T02:02:00.002+08:00

i honestly don't know how am i going to finish studying by monday
HOWHOWHOW.

2010-04-08T09:19:00.003+08:00

when we read our Bibles, and listen to sermons,
do we apply the truths we learn to our daily lives?

we need to obey his Word, and bring our lives into harmony with God's desires.
"to follow the Lord and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all [my] heart and all [my] soul" (2 Kings 23:3)

To change the world, we need to start with ourselves.

2010-04-07T23:41:00.004+08:00

at the rate i'm going, and the unfocused me,
i'm so going to flunk my papers.
and how about my hopes to pull up my grades x.x

my scholarship seems to be slipping away right now, and good results seem to be out of reach.
in such a seemingly impossible and situation, i'm really unsure of where i'm heading towards or what's ahead.
God, i need your help.
i shall trust in You, and i'm going to run towards that goal, never losing sight.
for Your glory.
it's not me, but You. (i need to remember this)

i'm such a critical person, always quick to find faults in others.
but before that, perhaps i should look within myself, and check my own heart,
whether the faults i see in others, are really faults in me.
are the problems are because of others, and not myself?

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Colossians 3:17

2010-04-06T16:06:00.002+08:00

why can't i be everything and have everything?

right now, i want nothing more than to be smart. very smart.
and then maybe now i won't feel the ache from my lousy results.
it doesn't matter if people think i'm smart, i don't think so.
i want to be smarter in wherever i am studying, even if i'm taking a course which may be more challenging.
and i HATE to be average.
i need to be above average, i don't want to be okay, i want to be awesome.
ARGHHHH.
i'm going to study hard, no matter what it takes.
i'm not going to sleep, i'm not going to rest, I'M GOING TO SCORE FOR MY FINALS,
and prove everyone wrong, and pull all my pathetic results UP UP UP.

God, i can't do this without you. You're my strength.
Lord, i pray for superb brains and memory, wakefulness (not to get tired easily), and high efficiency.
I NEED TO DO WELL FOR MY FINALS. I MUST.
(Lord, scholarship?) trust trust trust.

2010-04-06T05:10:00.002+08:00

i need more drive than this.
i need to be way more efficient and less distracted at this point in time.

there are many times we forget God's word, or are disobedient,
when we're so overcome by anger, arrogance or selfishness.
we need to be reminded by Romans 12:9-21:
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.
On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

to keep our spiritual fire ignited, and burning strong,
we must continuously stock our fuel supply and watch the fire.
let's always remember God's words when we go about our daily lives, and treat everyone with love. <3

2010-04-05T08:07:00.002+08:00

Hillsong United - From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

when fear engulfs us, let's instead look to Jesus.
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." (Prov 18:10)
and regardless of what happens,
"Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared" (Prov 3:25-26)
God is watching out for us. He will not let any harm befall us.

2010-04-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

my studying week begins on monday.
i'm excited, somewhat. go go go!
this is where a miracle has to happen for me and my awful results. through God, of course (:

ever wondered what Jonah prayed when He was inside the great fish for three days and nights?

Jonah 2:
From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said:
"In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me.
I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.'
The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God.
"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.
"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord."
And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

when your world seems to be crumbling,
call out to our God, because He hears us.
let us not learn only when God has to send afflictions our way to get our attention and lead us to repentance.

2010-04-03T22:58:00.002+08:00

last night was the second time i pulled an all-nighter this semester.
i slept only at 7am and had to wake up at 9am for school.
i should never leave my assignments to the last minute, especially when i have had sufficient time before that.

while somedays i think i'm superhuman to stop myself from doing things like watching tv, playing computer games or go shopping, while i'm in my school term,
i mostly think i'm horribly lazy and undisciplined when it comes to doing work.
i usually while 80% of my time surfing the net and doing meaningless stuff when i should be studying.
If only i could use my time more efficiently, perhaps my results would not be so abysmal.

my school term is finally over, and next week is probably my horror study week.
i better pull up my socks right nowww.

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?"
- Romans 10:14
we need to be actively spreading His gospel, so that more people will hear of His name and believe in Him.

2010-04-01T11:48:00.002+08:00

i need to start studying what i've learnt the whole term now.
i'm so scared, and dread it. i feel so dead.

at the second coming,
"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.
They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
- Revelations 21:3-4

yay. how comforting is it to know that all my sufferings will pass, and there will only be joy when i'm in heaven. :D

2010-03-30T00:08:00.003+08:00

there are days where you feel as if you're overcoming the hugest mountain,
there are days where it seems impossible to finish the workload at hand,
there are days where you fear what is ahead of you,
there are days where you feel so angry with the world,
there are days where you feel so lousy or not good enough.
but on these days, God is always with us.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you."
-Psalm 32:8

He's watching us, and He will bring us through whatever is before us,
whether it is the dark raging seas or the looming grey clouds.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicket or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers."
- Psalm 1:1-3

"Your Word i have hidden in my heart that i might not sin against You." -Psalm 119:11

Lord, please bless my studies and health. please bless my family. please bless my church.

i want You to be everything to me

2010-03-25T10:04:00.003+08:00

i know that if i want to do well, i have to study hard.
and the whole time i'm at home, i'm whiling all that time away.
this is bad. i need to get my gears moving fast, but of course, i've got to get them to start moving first.
i hope this isn't too late.
if my laziness and my lack of discipline is going to pull down my grades, i probably should stab myself.
i think it would have been possible for God to allow me to attain the GPA to retain my scholarship,
but it seems as if it has ebbed further and further away since school started and i only have less than 3 weeks left.
maybe i gave up, maybe i'm just lousy.
but my trust in God shall never fail.
either He's going to give me the scholarship (because i know nothing is impossible to God) or He's going to provide me an education without too much of a financial burden for my parents.

i love God, and i thank Him,
because i think He has been well to me and my family.
Lord, i'm worried about my parents, let them keep their jobs, and their pay be sufficient.

Lord, i pray for you to fill me with the knowledge of Your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so i may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to Your glorious might so that i may have great endurance and patience.
and i joyfully give thanks.

You're wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

2010-03-25T00:19:00.002+08:00

i think they will be times in your life when you see a guy and you think "Oh. i think he's the right one for me." but then again, if this happens more than once, maybe we just don't know who's the right one for us. so how do we know, when will we know?
i came across this boy. he's in my school. but he doesn't know me, might not even know of my existence. and i don't know him either. it's really weird, but i feel, like he might just be the right guy for me. like i said, i don't know him. so maybe i'm wrong. but Lord, he's a christian, and he seems like a decent guy who may just be the one i'm looking for. how nice it would be to grow spiritually together with my future husband.
Lord, i don't know, but i trust that You'll make the right decision for me. because you know best, and you'll give me the best.

"The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and i have not been rebellious; i have not drawn back."
- Isaiah 50:4-5

God gave us spiritual gifts, and we have to discover them, and then use them for His glory.
let's always be ready to give someone an encouraging word or show caring concern to someone who needs it, and point them towards our Savior who offers life, and sustains us.
We might bring to our Lord one of his many lost sheep (:

Lord, let me be a shining light in all i say and do,
that Your great love displayed in me may lead someone to you.
- Sper

2010-03-21T07:56:00.002+08:00

God is amazing!
it is true that He listens to our prayers, and blesses us with what we pray for.
(even though i often feel undeserving of it.)

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God , who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.
Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.
In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life."
- 1 Timothy 6: 17-19

we need to have radical generosity,
to give to God, to share with His people, to do good works.

2010-03-20T22:07:00.002+08:00

often i have a hard time making decisions,
but instead of focusing on doing what i like,
i should let God be the center of my life.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
- James 1:2-8

we have to learn to face our problems head-on, and take joy in them,
knowing that God uses such trials to refine us into someone stronger.

Lord, i pray for intelligence and focus (:
let me do well this semester!

2010-03-19T17:17:00.002+08:00

i'm sitting at a quiet corner of my school,
with my laptop, papers, and a cup of bubbletea.
this is quite a nice feeling somehow.
ok do work do work do work!

2010-03-19T00:30:00.002+08:00

my life is in such a mess.
i'm so sick of school, so sick of people and so sick of myself.
i really don't see how i'm going to get out of this unscathed.
time is passing so fast i forget the days and nights, and they end up being mashed up into some sort of blur.

but then again, that's when God comes in, ain't it.
how funny it is that my friend reminded me to pray.
it's during times of need that we remember to seek God, and that isn't right.
i miss how i used to pray to God every night, without fail, thanking Him for all the blessings He has showered upon me.
why have i changed into someone so different?

"Save me, O God, by your name; vindicate me by your might.
Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth.
Strangers are attacking me; ruthless men seek my life—
men without regard for God.
Selah
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.
Let evil recoil on those who slander me; in your faithfulness destroy them.
I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, O LORD, for it is good.
For he has delivered me from all my troubles, and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes."
-Psalm 54

It's very comforting how God speaks to me sometimes,
and i know he hears my cries.
I should have faith in Him, that He will carry me through.
when life gets tough, let's remember to allow God to pull us up by His power, hold on to Him, and be strong in Him.

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31

2010-03-18T01:45:00.002+08:00

i'm a horrible time-waster.
i wonder why i take so long to get some work done.
i feel so lousy in school - stupid and a bad speaker.
and i hate to be average, not say below average. ughhhhh.

and there are so many imperfections i see within myself.
and my flaws are further accentuated by the people around me right now.
but i guess everything is not a mistake,
but all so that we can live out the purpose God has in mind for us.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him...
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
- James 1:12, 17

how can i describe who God is to me?
i can't. but i can only say that i am nothing without Him.
God's love for us will never falter nor fail, regardless of what happens.
Everything changes, but Him.
How comforting is it to know that He is always there waiting for us, with great love, no matter what befalls us in this world.

2010-03-17T01:02:00.003+08:00

i haven't had a good sleep in a long long while.
my eyebags are horrendous. i think if i walk out of my house without applying any concealer, people might just scream and run away in horror.
yes, i am horrible at times and sneak off to sleep when i'm supposed to be doing work,
but, it cannot be considered restful since work's perpetually on my mind even if i doze off.
i feel so guilty always, whenever i'm not doing work :/

i hate it that i'm such a hypocrite, that my words are not resounded with my actions.
i hate it that my heart and mind is so WEAK.
how can i be a Christian, and yet be so lousy.
there's so many things i want to do, want to be, but it seems as if there are other seemingly more important things weighing on my mind.
surely my balance is tipped, on the wrong side.

Starfield - Unashamed

I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokenness complete

sometimes we look to God for answers.
why why why.
why is my life turning out this way? what is His plan for me? will i triumph this ordeal?
at such times, we need faith, despite all appearances, to trust that God is at work and all will be well.
God will never let us fall.

Wait for it, because it will surely come.

2010-03-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

i often use being busy as an excuse.
when deep inside, i know, there's never no time for God.

where my life is now like a rollercoaster, with sharp turns and stomach-flipping loops,
i realize the only thing that is stable in my life is still God.
and i thank God, for everything in my life.
because not only He provides the necessary, He gives me more than what i ask for.

"How awesome is the Lord Most High, the great King over all the earth!
He subdued nations under us, peoples under our feet.
He chose our inheritance for us, the pride of Jacob, whom he loved."
- Psalm 47:2-4

God <3

2010-02-27T01:39:00.003+08:00

i deleted my beloved tumblr account. :(
my friend discovered it, i freaked out, and i deleted it.
maybe i'm afraid to let people know what i truly think or feel.

right now. i feel like i need someone to talk to.
someone who is willing to listen, who understands and actually cares.
(and not someone who makes me feel like a loser)

somedays i really want to be so many things. because i see my inadequacy.
i wish i was a million times better than who i am.
and then maybe life will be easier. maybe people will actually notice me.

my mind is just filled with so many thoughts i can't exactly verbalise them.
i'm drowning in a wave of sadness. while i desperately try to reach out for something to hold on to.
but i see everything float on by.
i feel so lousy. i feel so isolated. i feel so dejected.

Starfield - Hiding Place
In the shadows I can hear your voice,
Singing to me
In the valley, I can hear your heart
Reaching for me now
And I wait flooded with your strength of your peace

You're my defender the shield of my heart
You are my hiding place
When terror surrounds me You keep me from harm
You are my hiding place

In the darkest I can feel your light
Wrapped around me
In my suffering, I can feel your joy
Rising in me now
And I wait flooded with your strength of your peace

Here before You, Jesus
In this place
Here before You now
Face to face

Under the shelter of the Most High
Will I be saved, and will I abide

"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments,because you know they produce quarrels.
And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful."
- 2 Timothy 2:22-24

i have to learn to distinct myself from the rest of the world,
to walk on the path less-traveled.
i have to be a reflector of Christ, because my life is not my own.
it's so hard to live such a holy life, but i believe that is my calling.

2010-02-18T00:02:00.003+08:00

i'm going through a crazy week right now,
with midterms and assignments due in the same week as chinese new year.
but God is still good, all the time.

my friend just sailed off, and will be away for 6 weeks.
seems like a long while ain't it.
but school has already been around for 7 weeks, and i still hate it. argh.
sometimes i think about what people think of me when i say or do something, and occasionally i cringe. i hope you don't think me weird or irrelevant :/
recess break is just around the corner, and i just want to relax.
but sometimes, there's time, but no companion.
maybe i should just busy myself with work or outings, so i don't have to think of anything else.
but then again, seriously, who am i kidding, there's never enough time.

Sometimes, when we are going through the dips in our life,
we may ask "Where are you, my God?"
but thing is, He has never left us nor forsaken us. He is always there.
He is working in the dark, even if we cannot see it.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore i will remember You."
- Psalm 42:5-6

2010-02-12T00:07:00.002+08:00

it's so hard to practise what we know is right.

James 1:19-27 teaches us to listen and do!
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

i shall try really hard to keep my words and actions aligned,
in this way, can i be a good reflector of Christ.

2010-02-09T18:30:00.001+08:00

"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself."
- Philippians 2:3

2010-02-08T01:22:00.002+08:00

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service.
Even though i was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, i was shown mercy because i acted in ignorance and unbelief.
The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."
- 1 Timothy 1:12-14

Paul called himself the worst of all sinners, but He knew with certainty that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, including him.
Sometimes, we feel that we are such sinful people, so unworthy of God's love,
but the truth is that, "If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." (1 John 3:20).
God is always there, ready to forgive us, so long as we confess to Him.

2010-02-06T21:11:00.002+08:00

in life, we face storms that threaten to confuse and disorient us.
when we're feeling disappointed and helpless,
let's not try to navigate out by ourselves,
instead, let's find God.

"Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."
- Psalm 32:6-8

God is the only one who can guide us out, and in the right direction.
He is always there waiting for us to call out to Him.
and with Him, no harm can befall us, because nothing is greater than Him.

‘你的话是我脚前的灯，是我路上的光。’ －诗篇109:105

2010-02-03T23:51:00.002+08:00

i'm dead tired. slept for only 3 hours last night and woke up at 645.
i realize this occurs every tuesday night. bad bad bad.
i've exceeded the sms limit this month, and there's still 3 days more.
and then, i'm just thinking, i wish it was easier talking to you. what happened?

there will be days when you miss some people,
or think back on those good old days.
perhaps sometimes, we should make the effort to keep those relationships going,
and not regret when it gradually disintegrates into dust.

when we go to heaven, we will have a glorified body.
and we'll hear Jesus calling our name, and then, we will know He is our Lord.
"My sheep listen to my voice; and i know them, and they follow me." -John 10:27

2010-02-03T01:12:00.002+08:00

there is something very wrong with me.
why am i so easily distracted, and refuse to start studying until late at night.
i have the time, but i'm not using it well. UGH!

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord."
- Psalm 139:1-4

There's nothing I can hide from you, you know me best.

2010-01-31T02:11:00.002+08:00

i haven't had such an awesome day in a long while.
caught a movie, played lan, and had dinner with my floorballers.
guess i could never have better friends than these, or spend greater times with anyone else. <3

tomorrow's going to be an exciting day, i feel it.
Lord, i pray that we will be able to reach out to the non-Christians with your presence,
i pray that they will have a fun and marvelous time,
and they will come back for more,
knowing that you're more than what the Earth has to offer.
We can do this! (:

'And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.'
-1 John 2:28
God loved us so much, mere sinful mortals, that he called us children of God.
let's live a life that He'll be proud of, as his children.

2010-01-28T00:07:00.002+08:00

i'm so tired today.
i slept for 4 hours last night and had an 830 class this morning.
(i kinda love the feeling of being prepared for class, my lack of sleep was worth it)
and i didn't do ANY work today. couldn't.
i was so busy organising events for this and next weekend which is driving me up the wall,
placating my friend because she's angry that i'm quitting floorball,
thinking about how to get my work done,
and the presents to buy for my 2 friends.
it's really so taxing and it's getting me a little irritable.

'Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'
- Isaiah 55:6-9

often we are very much caught up in our own world,
and we have a very limited scope of what is before us today.
but if we look beyond, we can see that there is so much more we can and should do.
we could accomplish great things, make a difference in the lives of others, and change to be more than what we are now.
we may be very much limited, but God breaks these barriers down, and provides us with endless strength.

Proverbs 16:9: In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

it's hard to understand what God is thinking or has in plan for us, all we know is that we can trust Him with all our heart.

2010-01-27T02:07:00.003+08:00

you learn to appreciate the smallest things in life when you start to lose them.

i told my friend today,
fun is no longer floorball,
now if i have more time spent with friends, more sleep, more time at home just surfing the net or lazing around,
i'm happy (:
contentment pushes indulgence away. haha

"Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers.
Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.
I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock.
Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them."
-Acts 20:27-30

seems like being a cell-leader isn't that easy after all, or even a youth leader in church.
it is a heavy responsibility to take care of His sheep,
to ensure that they don't run stray and to encourage them to grow spiritually.

We can change people using the Word of God. (wow!)

2010-01-24T21:47:00.002+08:00

today was a really happy day for me :D

i slept in, slightly.
i did ushering today, thought it would be awkward, but it was pretty fun shaking hands with people, these are the people who won't reject you or think you weird.
had a great and enlightening sermon discussion.
then i led the girls from my cell separately from the guys. i was afraid it might be unresponsive, with bouts of awkward silence. but somehow (i wonder if it's me) i felt somewhat empowered by God. i was able to lead with enthusiasm, while making the main points clear to the rest, and surprisingly everyone was really responsive, all having something to say, and with different points of view. i felt like i was learning from them, and it was as if their perspectives aided me in bringing the point across. it was kind of stressful with youth pastor behind me, but he helped me quite a bit. (:

i guess words can't express how i felt in cell today.
it's a feeling i can't exactly pinpoint, but i hope hope it was good for them.
and i hope i get better at this.
Lord, please bless me with the gifts of pastoring, teaching, leadership and wisdom.
i hope i can help your younger sheep grow spiritually, too.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
- Psalm 103:1-5
There are so many things i want to praise God for, my every breath comes from Him.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
- Psalm 103:8-12
we have to confess our sins, and discard them from our lives.
God will then forgive us, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

"I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me."
Casting Crowns - East to West

2010-01-23T10:48:00.003+08:00

when one door closes, another opens.

maybe i'm meant to drop floorball.
it's been 3 years, that's probably enough :(
but if God has other plans for me, then there's no point in me clinging to the past.
it's probably time to move on, to other things.
and i'm scheduled to go for an OCIP to Vietnam in may, a mission trip to Cambodia in june and a leaders' church camp to Malaysia in june/july.
there're much more things i've to do.
i don't want to regret not doing enough before i die.
and if i can expand his territory, and grow spiritually, why not.

King David wanted his son Solomon to built a house 'of great magnificence and fame and splendor in the sight of all the nations' for God,
and he made extensive preparations for it before he died,
ensuring that there was sufficient materials and skilled workmen for the task.

when we do something for God, let's make sure we always give our very best.
He deserves it.

2010-01-22T23:07:00.003+08:00

"Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands." -Exodus 17:9

remember the story about Moses turning his staff into a snake and back again, and his hand which became leprous when he placed it into his cloak and he became fine when he did it a second time?
God wanted to let Moses realize His power and wanted to use him as His messenger.

what is in our hands?
what does God want us to do? what can we do for Him?

i guess we may be surprised with what God plans to accomplish through our lives.
maybe we think we are not good enough, maybe we think we have nothing to offer, or maybe we are still muddling around about our purpose in life.
but God does have a plan for each of us.
even if we don't trust ourselves, surely we can and should trust Him.

we can't do many things, but He can do everything.

2010-01-21T14:01:00.005+08:00

USE YOUR BRAIN! THINK! CHURN THOSE JUICES!

i hate how the present-day education system breeds robots who blindly memorizes the text before them.
so those who do well, have the best memory?
i admire those people who are able to process what they are being taught, and speak up boldly on their opinions, regardless of whether they may be right or wrong. and people who dare to question the orthodox opinion.
i hate to admit it, but its the arts people who do it well.
in maths and science, there is always a correct answer, no arguing about that.
and i really enjoy doing maths and science, because of the satisfaction after solving a particularly tough problem.
but this thinking is different. because you know, at the end of the day, you'll arrive at one correct answer.
and i prefer that. is it because i'm afraid to challenge what is before my eyes?

now that i'm doing law. i'm suffering. because there is never one correct answer.
it's just a matter of who is more able, who can fight out his or her perspective most convincingly.
i need MY OWN opinions, and COURAGE to challenge ideas and speak out my mind.
what's the use of keeping it all inside, i'll only end up a loser.

We must love God more than anyone or anything else in the world, even ourselves.

2010-01-21T00:00:00.004+08:00

why do i want to study hard?
to get a good job, to earn much money, and to lead a better life.

but Jesus says, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."
in the parable of the rich fool, the rich man produced a good crop.
he then decided to tear down his barns and build bigger ones, and store all his grain and goods there.
after that, he expected to have plenty of good things laid up for many years. he could take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.
but God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'
This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.

aren't many of us committing the same mistake as the rich fool then?
have we become too preoccupied with living a good life on this earth, that we forget the purpose God has in mind for us?
why are we investing our lives in and pursuing things that are transient and fleeting?
what if we die tonight?
have we left behind any sort of legacy? or just a trail of dust that will fade as soon as the wind comes and blows it away?

"Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life." -Psalm 39:4

let's live our lives only for God.

2010-01-20T22:54:00.000+08:00

My Savior My God -Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives

2010-01-19T23:25:00.004+08:00

a stressed man is an angry man.

why can't i get my priorities right?
why can't i just focus on my work and finish them on time?
why can't i be smarter and more efficient?

because i'm a useless human after all.

i guess we often lament our limitations and inabilities,
and perhaps sometimes we use them as an excuse for not doing the things God has enabled us to do, or wants us to do.
have i done my very best?
'We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.' -Romans 12:6-8
are we burying the talents God has blessed us with?

'I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling' -1 Cor 2:3

all of me for all of you

2010-01-19T16:27:00.002+08:00

All of Me for All of You -Deas Vail

I'm only a seed in your hand
Ill never be big enough
But the smallest of parts in your plan
Is bigger than anything i know
So i give you all i am
And you poured out your heart over me and you'd do it again
And again

So i sigh with my burden
And you play me songs of nurture
And you say I'm the lucky one
And i don't see everything I'm should
So i give you all i am
And i wont be afraid of mistakes that I've made
Cause i know you understand

And every time i come around to this place
I can see my self thinking of jumping the spaces
Between loving hearts but i never make it
So i fall to the bottom and reach up my hands
To the lord of forgiveness of this mortal man
I'm the king of confessions
But i promise thats not in my plan
Not in my plan

Oh but I'm trying to go on
In breaking through walls that don't belong, yeah

Putting this back on the shelf
And turning away for good this time

2010-01-16T19:43:00.005+08:00

i'm facing a dilemma right now.
to continue playing floorball or give up altogether?
i want to play because i love the game, because i want to be part of the competitions, because i don't want to see my friends playing while i'm sitting by simply watching.
i am seriously considering quitting because i feel inadequate from my own, coach's and teammates perspective, i don't want to put in effort and be lousy and benched, and my grades are terrible.
(the first 2 are such selfish thoughts, i know)

God, please tell me what to do. what to choose.

2010-01-14T23:19:00.003+08:00

why do i always cut out the rest of the options myself?
and not believe that He will provide, and bless.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:9
what He can do, is beyond what we can ever imagine.
all we can do, is trust and believe.

2010-01-13T02:41:00.003+08:00

look at the time.
i'm tired i'm almost numbed of my senses,
and my head is throbbing while my stomach hurts.
but i can't sleep.
i have a presentation to prepare for tomorrow, and i'm so unready.
gee. dead meat.
Lord, please let me present only on Friday. please please. i'll do a good job.

2010-01-12T01:00:00.003+08:00

i feel like crap.

i feel like a loser. the same kind, for a 2nd time. or is it a 3rd.
and i thought i never wanted to feel this way again.
i'll understand if they're better, but well, i don't get to decide anyway.
i don't understand why. ARGH.
and i'm very annoyed that i got my priorities wrong. at least that's what i think now. the aftermath.

oh, and i deleted my old (other) blog.
i just thought that i shouldn't be leading a double life,
and somehow it feels like a rebirth to me.
and if that's so, i must discard my old self away.
i didn't read my posts before deleting, can you believe it. i don't know why.

"Am i now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If i were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ" - Galatians 1:10

I am so tired.
Someone, play the piano for me please.

2010-01-11T01:25:00.002+08:00

i really like how i sometimes can make a difference in my cellies' life.
i wish i could do more.

'Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." - 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

there are many times in life where we face much trials,
and even though we are aware of our goal, it gets hazy sometimes.
but the Christian life requires perseverance and persistence, no matter how hard it gets.
and with the grace and strength of our God, we too can "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Heb 12:1-3)

it is so hard to believe that we can live through our hardships. but it's true.

2010-01-09T17:35:00.003+08:00

it's just 1 week of school and i'm sick.
must be the lack of sleep and unproductive overwork.

its ivp next week, and i'm dreading it.
i love playing floorball, but why can't i be better at it? ugh.
then its getting used to school, because assignments and presentations are starting to roll in, and of course, the readings that are ever-present.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." -Aristotle
guess i've to put more effort to reap results.

2010-01-07T00:29:00.002+08:00

i've been in school for 3 days and somehow i cant seem to get the depressed feeling off.
i dread school. dread studying. actually i simply detest CP with all my heart.
i just want to lie in bed all day, laptop in one hand, a book in the other.
how am i going to live through 15 weeks of this hellhole.

when Jesus visited the house of Martha and Mary,
where Mary 'sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said' and Martha 'was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made'.
when Martha complained about Mary leaving her to do the work by herself,
the Lord told her, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

He's right.
we only need one thing, and that's Him.
and this gift will never be taken away from us.

while we are often caught up with worldly troubles and daily problems,
maybe there are more important things in life that those.
what's more important on our balance of life? how weighty is God in our life?

2010-01-04T10:05:00.002+08:00

my new term officially begins in 2 hours time,
and my heart is racing. somehow.

i'm unprepared, afraid, and extremely reluctant.

Lord, i know i can't do this without you.
please be with me.
please bless me with an awesome term ahead and strength to go through it.

we were once slaves to sin,
but now through God, we have been set free from sin, and have become slaves to righteousness.
the benefit we reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life, instead of death.
believing in Christ frees us from 'the law of sin and death' (Rom 8:2)
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 6:23

2010-01-03T01:13:00.002+08:00

i need to get my engine started.

the new term starts in a day's time,
and i already have a ton of readings awaiting me,
which i can't seem to get round to reading them.

it has been such an awfully short 5 weeks,
seems as if it was just yesterday i finished my last paper.
i regret not playing more, though i know i've already spent these whole 5 weeks having fun, to the fullest.

now... back to losing my life all over again :(

it isn't unusual for one to enjoy flattering from others,
but let's never forget to give God reverence always.
He's the only one worthy of glory, praise and honor.

Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, but to Your name give glory. -Psalm 115:1

2010-01-01T22:21:00.002+08:00

its 2010
and i still feel like a little girl
who always runs off with her friends and have fun,
who tries to study very hard because she hates to be average,
and who is a spoilt princess at home.

but regardless of everything, it seems the same.
because she knows whenever something goes wrong, she is going to run back to the arms of her heavenly daddy,
and in this new year, she hopes that even in the good times, she can stick close to Him,
and do more of his works, for His glory.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
- Psalm 63:1-8

let's walk through the journey of life, with our eyes affixed on God.

2009-12-31T14:27:00.002+08:00

the new year awaits,
and i face the new term with a sense of trepidation.
i've had my share of failures and disappointment,
am i going make it this time round?

(i've so much to do, always.
but i'm such an awful procrastinator. ugh.
why are there so many distractions around.)

when Solomon assumed the throne from his father David,
David told Solomon, "And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever" (1 Chron 28:9)
and "be strong and courageous , and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished." (1 Chron 28:20)

God knows our heart and mind,
regardless of whether we have fooled the world or even if no one knows.

when we face similar tough transitions in life,
which are marked by much uncertainty and insecurity, and the future appears misty and unclear,
let's remain strong and courageous,
because we are definitely not alone.
Let's keep our eyes on God, He will navigate us safely through even the craziest rapids,
and then await the smooth waters, they're just ahead. (:

2009-12-30T11:37:00.004+08:00

2010 is just in 2 days,
and school's starting in less than a week.

swish.
this year has flew past really fast.
8 months of working and having awesome fun with friends,
and then 4 months of slogging my guts out,
it has been a year of changes and also one of growing,
with its occasional joy and heartache.
there's going to be more work and less play from now on,
i hope i can quickly get used to this transition.
although everyone moves on in life, i'm really glad some things never change.

and for one, my God never changes. <3
He has been with me through the sands of time, and i believe He will remain there, always, immovable.

ephesians 2:1-10 - made alive in Christ
"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.
All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

rebirth in Christ; it is only through Him and His grace that we are alive through faith.
and it is a gift from God.
"all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23) but He can "create in [us] a clean heart" (Psalm 51:10)

2009-12-28T02:23:00.002+08:00

who is the girl they see in me?

sometimes when we try so much to be someone else in front of different people,
sometimes when we are too caught up with our own problems,
sometimes when we are on the verge of giving up,
we lose ourselves, and somehow seem to forget why we are here for,
we lose heart.

some mumblings in the middle of the night.
i feel like i'm dangling in the middle of nowhere,
allowing the wind to blow me as it wills.
there are times of lowness, when i start to think of the state of my life right now,
i can't wait for school to start again, though i know i won't really like the insane studying,
but at least i'll be so busy to think about anything else.
this holiday has been a good one, but as always, too short, much too short.
one more week to go.

"therefore let everyone who is godly pray to You while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
You're my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
- Psalm 32:6-7

Lord, You are truly my hiding place,
whenever i'm feeling down or discouraged, and i don't feel like telling anyone else,
i will always run to You, and know that You'll be there for me.

while our lives may often be filled with burdens we can't seem to put down,
whether big or small,
we have to learn to hand them over to God, because He can handle everything and anything.
Sometimes, there may be troubles tugging on your heart all day,
but when we surrender them to God, we can trust that He will provide the best solution.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you." - Psalm 55:22

2009-12-25T02:23:00.002+08:00

i believe that Jesus is truly the only way.
i celebrate Christmas because it's his birthday.
- Owl City

2009-12-25T01:55:00.002+08:00

“As Jesus is the son, so too is he reflected in the sun, that warms the Earth, for he gives us warmth and life. As such, for the times that dark rain clouds block him and keep us from seeing him, always remember that these clouds will come to pass. When one stays in the sun so long, they sometimes forget the amazing warmth that surrounds them, for they are so immersed in its goodness. Thus, when God brings forth that impending rain, it is not as a punishment of any form, but simply because he loves you so much that he wants to show you even more at the end of it all… The rainbow.”
- Stelle’s Collection of Warm Fuzzy

where's the rainbow?

maybe i've been soaking in the rain for far too long,
clinging too tightly to my drenched clothes and umbrella,
that i've denied myself the chance to see anything else beautiful happening in my life right now.

why do i love self-pity? why do i hold on to sorrow?
maybe because i am afraid of more disappointment. maybe i need love. maybe i just want to punish myself.
i don't know why, and secretly do not want to find out.
wild guesses. hmm.

james 4:13-17 'boasting about tomorrow'
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money."
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.
What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.
Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

we all have our own dreams, big or small.
but the bible says we do not boast about our hopes about tomorrow that has not happen.
are we able to present our dreams and plans to God, and tell him that we will accept his will, even if it means that our dreams are dashed and things are not what we want them to be?
what takes on a stronger bearing in your life? your dreams or God's will.
what a difficult decision this can be at times.
as a sidenote, don't we often know what we're doing is wrong or many a times, omit to do what is right?

life is often unpredictable,
we have great plans for the future,
and then comes a stumbling stone, and you fall right over.
then we ask God why did he allow us to fail, when we have been so focused on the end in sight.
perhaps, instead of insisting that nothing else works unless i get my way,
we could consider that God's purposes might be different from ours,
surely he knows what is best for us. and rest assured, he'll give us nothing short of the best.

following Christ also means full confidence in His perfect plans for us.

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

2009-12-17T23:56:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think i'm childish and i just want attention.

2009-12-17T15:09:00.003+08:00

Starfield - Shipwreck
I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in

I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new

'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn

Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more

i hide behind those masks, and i erect walls,
but only You can see through them all.
i have spent years searching for temporal earthly satisfaction,
and i often forget that there is something greater, something everlasting.
how could i ever deserve You, Your love, and Your forgiveness?
i am broken and come empty-handed,
but You tell me, You're here for me.

Time for me to step out of the water, time for me to just loose my hold;
and it's time for me to leave here all that I've hoped for, could You take me where I need to go

2009-12-16T13:59:00.000+08:00

"If I had to choose between extreme sorrow and extreme happiness, I would always choose sorrow, for when you are happy you forget about spiritual things, you forget about God.But in your sorrow, He is always with you."
- Queen Katherine of Aragon

2009-12-16T12:56:00.002+08:00

Meredith Andrews - You're Not Alone
I search for love, when the night came,
and it closed in,
I was alone,
but you found me,
where I was hiding,
and now I'll never ever be same,
it was the sweetest voice,
that called my name sayin

You're not alone,
For I am here,
let me wipe away your every fear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life,
All of your life

You cry your self to sleep,
cause the hurt is real,
and the pain cuts deep,
all hope seems lost,
with heart ache your closest friend,
and everyone else long gone,
you've had to face the music on your own,
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home,
saying

You're not alone,
For I am here,
let me wipe away your every tear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest nights,
And I'm the one who's love you all your life,
All your life

Faithful and true...
Forever,
For my love will carry you...

You're not alone,
for I... I am here,
let me wipe away every fear...
Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through your darkest night,

Your darkest nights,
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life

Lord, you've seen me through my darkest nights,
where i hide in my room and cry,
unwilling to tell anyone how awful i feel inside,
because they will never understand, and i don't want them to feel sorry for me.
you've been there for me all my life,
especially when my heart breaks and i feel it can never be whole again.
thankyou.

ever felt as if you were facing a tumultuous storm in your life, where your ship was on the verge of capsizing and all seems to be lost?

Jesus calmed the storm in Mark 4:35-41,
where he simply "got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!""

where has my faith gone?
if he can calm even the scariest storms, what more about the storm in my life right now?
Jesus has total authority over the heavens and the earth,
he will provide us with the strength to survive till he finally calms the storm.

"These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

2009-12-15T01:00:00.001+08:00

i hate losing.
i hate being average.
i hate admitting that i'm actually imperfect.

but God, i want to be the best for you.
(or is it for me, again?)

2009-12-14T14:54:00.003+08:00

i wonder if anyone ever died from heart pain.
why does the heart hurt when i am fine physically but aching emotionally?

my senses seem to have been numbed.
can i be selfish for once?
allow me to be absorbed in my own misery instead of looking happy in front of the rest or giving a part of me to others to help them?
i am all broken inside. i just want to blast music in my ears and replay my woes over and over again in my head.
how can i, then give myself to others, when i can feel myself no more?

the earth continues to rotate, life goes on,
but i feel like i am at a standstill.
i want to go back to turkey, anywhere, just away from this place.
i want to escape this torment. wished i never knew, wished it never happened.
(did God know, and did that for me?)

psalm 55.
listen to my prayer, o God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me.
my thoughts trouble me and i am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger.
my heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.
fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.
i said, "oh, that i had the wings of a dove! i would fly away and be at rest -
i would flee far away and stay in the desert;
i would hurry to my place of shelter, far away from the tempest and storm."
...
but i call to God, and the Lord saves me.
evening, morning and noon i cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
he ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.
God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them -
men who never change their ways and have no fear of God.
...
cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
but you, o God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days.
but as for me, i trust in You.

the enemy is myself, my school, my pathetic results.
am i willing to entrust my life into his hands? my troubles and my future?
and then believe that he has a plan for me, a reason for everything that happens?

but my future appears extremely bleak right now.
i feel so despondent, i don't know how to get out of this crap.
i am going to lose my scholarship and my grades are horrendous.

i can't describe what's running through my mind right now or explain why my heart aches,
but you know what's inside of me, what i am going through behind my facade of false smiles.
how do i go on? where do i go from here?

Lord, hold on to me.
show me the path to take.

2009-12-13T08:12:00.001+08:00

i just want to die.

2009-12-03T22:43:00.002+08:00

my exams ended on the 28th. finally.
praise the lord.

been having a whale of a time since the 28th,
and i'll be leaving for turkey tomorrow.
what more can i ask for? (:

Lord, i thank you for blessing me so so much.
you really love me beyond what i truly deserve. thank you.
Lord, i pray for journey mercy for my turkey trip,
(it makes me really learn how important it is to have a dad around :/)
my results, so that i have a GPA of at least 3.6 to keep my scholarship,
and bless my church, to keep my churchies' passion for you burning ((:

my 2nd prayer request is something that has been weighing on my mind for quite some time,
and it is really a test of my faith,
because i find it really hard to put everything into your hands.
I know you are the Almighty, but maybe i say i don't trust myself enough,
but if i don't surrender the whole of my worries to you, how can i say i trust you fully.
so Lord, now that i'll be leaving Singapore, leaving this all behind,
maybe it'll be a good time for me to put EVERYTHING into your hands,
my worries and troubles,
because i know that i cannot accomplish anything with my own hands,
but with you, there is nothing too hard.
(i am such a lousy child :/)

God said that in the Bible that
'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God' (Mark 10:25)
but why.
Jesus told the rich man to sell everything he had and give them to the poor, and he will have treasures in heaven. the rich man left, because he had much wealth.
when the disciples asked Jesus 'who then can be saved', Jesus answered 'With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God'
ALL things are possible. hmm.
why do i doubt. it is true, there are many things that are impossible for man, for me. but God makes everything possible.
and i can almost imagine the plight of the rich man.
when one has acquired much worldly treasures, whether fame, wealth, or status,
it is hard to give them all up, if one day God asks us to do so.
i pondered upon this question for quite some time previously, and i thought they this was my stronghold.
can i leave everything i have behind, for God?
but Jesus says 'no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age and in the age to comes, eternal life.' (Mark 10:29-30)
He provides a reassurance, and tells us that what we sacrifice for him in our mortal life,
he will reward us a hundred times more in our eternal life.
our mortal life suddenly seems so short and insignificant in comparison to the eternal life that is awaiting us.

are we willing to surrender our all, come to Him wholeheartedly, release our worldly concerns and possessions, and freely follow him?

2009-11-28T00:11:00.002+08:00

you can't imagine how blessed i am.
i am so so undeserving.
but your love exceeds what man can ever comprehend <3

you give me trials.
but the blessings you bestow upon me are overflowing;

2009-11-26T10:20:00.001+08:00

rock-solid faith!

2009-11-25T17:48:00.002+08:00

sometimes i don't know what i'll do if i didn't have God in my life.
will i kill myself, sink into depression, or be a failure.

so i thank you, thank you, Lord, with all my heart and soul.
i owe my life to you.
because i'll never come so far, will be nothing, without you.

life's hard, will always be.
but there's nothing i fear, with you by my side.

in John 9, Jesus heals a Man born blind.
His disciples asked [Jesus], "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

sometimes we question God,
why does he puts so much trials and tribulations ahead of us,
put us through so much pain and suffering,
or why everyone else is 'better' than ourselves.
but he answers us, it is not us, but it is so, to display the work of God in our life.
should we not be honored that God uses our lives for his work?
should we not be happy of those who will be saved because of us?
we should. (but it's hard, of course)
bringing up another point, what about testifying for God?

2009-11-24T08:54:00.002+08:00

i must give in my best too, right.
i cannot be over-reliant. i must put in effort, and then let God do the rest.
please, i pray for wisdom, an absorbent and receptive brain, discipline and mental strength.

sometimes, when i read proverbs, i feel like its reprimanding me,
and it just so effectively points out my flaws, and tells me what i should be doing.

what lies in our heart?
why do we use spiteful words and do mean things, which we know will hurt others.
if our heart stems from a holy God, our actions should reflect our faith,
we should be in step with Christ. doing what is pleasing in His eyes. being an image of Him.

perhaps we don't know how much of what we do or say affects others,
but it does, especially to the ones we love.
this knowledge is hidden in my heart, and i have tried to ignore its existence,
because i've overwhelming pride.
and i am selfish to want freedom, etc, that i do not care about the people who are truly concerned about me. but how.

2009-11-23T17:43:00.008+08:00

i want to cry. i feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
i have been doing nothing else but STUDY for the past week. and. it feels like i have not learnt anything. i can't even bear to describe it. i am literally trembling, heart racing when i think about the exams ahead of me. FACTUAL IMPOSSIBILITY. INEPTITUDE OF meself.
my mind is a tangled mess, signals transmitted at the speed of light, maybe even faster, but everything is so not making sense.
i am SO not coping well with law school. i am worse than an average student. UGH. WHY. i dont want to be average, not say worse. why am i not smart enough. why can't i study hard and well.

breathe in. and out.
doesn't help.
Isaiah 40:29-31, “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Lord, you know i trust in you. but i feel like it is MY OWN ineptitude this time. that maybe i am not good enough.
you ask me, 'What can I not do?'
nothing, lord. nothing is impossible for you.
but lord, okay lord. i trust, i trust, i trust.
give me strength and wisdom. hold my hand. bring me through this.

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5

'Superman' - Five for Fighting
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me.
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me.
Up, up and away…away from me
Well it’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ...... inside of me ...ya inside of me... inside..of me
I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream
I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
It’s not easy ... wu.. hoo.. hoo..
It’s not easy to be.. me...

I am not who they see me to be, smart without effort. i am really much lousier than they think.
I feel so weak, so vulnerable. So many expectations to live up to.
I feel like I'm trying so hard to stay afloat. but no one sees this. i know you do, Lord. ty.
i feel so insufficient facing the overwhelming burdens and obstacles ahead, it seems so impossible, so insurmountable, i cannot manage everything on my own.
i feel like i am going to collapse.

but Lord, you are there for me.
每當我軟弱疲乏，對未來充滿懼怕
你對我慈聲呼喚，來到你寶座前
你是如此溫柔，深知我心裡感受
你賜下話語，你光照顯明
你煉淨我生命
主耶穌，我心緊緊跟隨你
你同在使我得安息
主耶穌，我心緊緊跟隨你
等候你我重新得力
you are my overflowing and never-ending source of strength and comfort,
because of you, you are sufficient for me, your grace is sufficient,
i need nothing else. 因为在你里面没有难成的事. there is nothing impossible for you.

we are never enough for the world, but lord, you complete us.
Lord, i promise you. i will never be arrogant of my accomplishments, because my competence
comes from you alone.
all i'll ever need is YOU alone.

2009-11-19T01:53:00.002+08:00

boys. they impact me a great deal, you know that.
one after another walks into my life, making my heart flutter,
and then, they walk out after awhile.
i always ask myself, is it me. or is it them.
i often wonder.
please don't play with my heart. be genuine to me. be true.

i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle,
this week is a really bad week,
immersed in my books, my laptop perpetually plugged in,
i have been trying, but my heart is heavy, confidence an all-time low,
while the rest of the world are mugging away, furiously.
i wonder if i can finish studying, and then i wonder if it's all going into my brain,
i start hesitating if this is the right path for me, if i can survive lawschool, if i can make it out of this hellhole.
is this too much for me to bear?

Lord. i feel so low. so tired.
i know, you're my strength. i know, nothing is impossible for you. i know, you have my life mapped out.
and deep inside, i know, you are the ONLY one who truly understands :(
i pray, that you give me wisdom, brains, and discipline. be with me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." --Matthew 11:28-30

2009-11-09T14:55:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I am made used of by others, and I do not know how to refuse them.
Especially when the world out there is so competitive, it sucks to let people gain a foothold on you.

When we go back to the Bible, God tells us,
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Galatians 6:9-10)
Hebrews 13:16: "But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased."

God, watch over me.

2009-10-31T00:09:00.002+08:00

"And here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God;
You're altogether lovely,
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me" -- Here I am to Worship, Tim Hughes

You're the God of my life, today and forevermore.
All praise be to You.
'I love the King and the King loves me.'

2009-10-29T08:31:00.002+08:00

i often feel a tinge of awkwardness and inadequacy whenever the conversation topic moves to being attached.
almost everyone i've known have had a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
but i don't.

i don't (or at least i hope) think it's because no one loved me to that extent before,
but the answer's closer to the fact that i've never allowed anyone so close to my heart before.
but why?
like everyone, i long for love, and everything that comes with it.
but why do i shut the door in their faces before we even have a chance to know each other more than mere friends?
i have many close guy friends, but the only reason why we are so close,
is because i'm aware of the impossibility of us getting together, and they too, of course,
either because they're attached or we're such close buddies.
i like that, i prefer that.
but once a guy tries to enter into my life,
like every normal girl, i enjoy attention and closeness with a guy,
but once i feel that the line is crossed,
i start backing out and edging away,
because i'm afraid he'll get the wrong idea,
and i wouldn't want anything to happen.

i decided there were 2 possibilities:
1. i'm afraid of getting hurt
2. my family history (dad)
i wonder when i can disentangle myself from this mess that no one sees, only me.
i hope, i can move on, at the appropriate time, and God will find the right one for me. (:

2 Timothy 1:6-7: "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
God has blessed us with spiritual gifts and we have a calling in our lives,
we've to quieten our hearts and listen to what God has to say to us,
and be obedient to the direction he points us towards.
He has everything planned, to fulfill in his time.
So in the meantime, let's trust him with all we have.
We've 'a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline', let's make sure we demonstrate them through our lives.

2009-10-28T18:45:00.003+08:00

it seems like i've swerved off course,
and i find it hard to get back on track,
hard to start studying very very hard.
i don't even know how to study anymore,
i have lost all my confidence.

my mind wanders much.
i get distracted and bored.
i feel like curling up into a ball, and hide in a dark corner,
become invisible, and let people just pass me by.
don't look at me, because i'm lesser than you think.

i wonder, if Christians are ashamed of being 'too holy' in front of their friends,
but if our heart burns with passion for Christ,
why are we afraid of proclaiming it to the world?

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” -- Matthew 5:14-15
Lord, I want to shine for you,
will you let me?